Church

In the crushing

In the pressing

You are making

New wine

In the soil, I

Now surrender

You are breaking

New ground

So I yield to You and to Your careful hand

When I trust You I don't need to understand

- New Wine- Hillsong

Church
What is church anyway?
...a place we go to listen to a man who thinks he understands what we go through?
...a place to start your week on the "right foot?"
...a place to say you went, to say "yea i go to church every Sunday" so all of a sudden people can see you a little differently?
...a place that labels you as a good or bad person....?
...a place to tell someone you're sorry for what you've done... then you forget and do it again?
...a place you feel guilt.
Church is the place where you are constantly told what you should and shouldn't do
memorizing what you have to to get all the boxes checked
do you go to church?
are you baptized?
Did you have your first communion?
are you confirmed?
All of these questions and gray areas just left me confused. and when I asked my father "What's the point?" I felt like I offended him: "It's what we do, we have to."
After all we're followers right?

For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them. - Matthew 18:20
Listening to His word
Church with mom was pretty strict. It's like God was right there among us making sure I behaved.
The hardest part was to sit still and do what I was told.
My mom in her own way would say 'don't be disrespectful while the priest is speaking;' quietly, with eyes like daggers. I felt if I moved a muscle the priest would give the same eyes.

Repenting or Confessing  open the door to a tiny room, kneel and say what you think you should say, be pressed "is that all?" then you're wiped clean.
It's strange going into a small outhouse-like area to dump all the sh*t you've done onto a 'perfect' stranger followed by performing some prayers you've memorized, (2 Hail Mary's and one Our Father) like that's going to stop a criminal from committing a crime. Honestly, does a criminal get the same prayers to say as a kid who steals some candy or lies to their mother?  

Fun fact: Confession is acknowledging wrong doings, whereas repenting is feeling remorse...

And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven -James 5:15
Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. -James 5:16

Serving God
A child helping with collections would bring more money into the church right?
I always had it in my heart to help others.
I saw my dad do it and how happy it made him so I fell into the same pattern:
handing out the bulletin, organizing the books in the pews and even being an alter girl all were helping in the church but none fit me right. Finally in my teens I was waking up early to clean the church but I really think I was just along for the drive. 

Worship
Church with friends was always fun. We'd sing as loud as our confidence let us. This is when I observed more. I saw families together, embracing, singing- all moments of joy.
When I turned this joy toward my parents I encouraged them to sing and I'm not sure who was more embarrassed but it didn't happen again.
Romans 12:2- Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. 

"Just as I am you pull me in..."
Relationship
I was at the age where I thought I knew the right man for me. The one! I had found him, strong, in control, hard working and funny. We were looking for a church to attend together. You know, finding our way together before marriage. That's the next step right?
Funny how you put your time, love and passion into someone that hides and is unfaithful to you. Your personality slowly deteriorates from dark remarks piercing your heart to reveal nothing. Holes and cracks that now need mending. You thought this relationship was everything you needed. It's all you had and you're left in the dirt picking up the pieces that once were your heart.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9a

Transformation
I was blind now I see...
Faith is the lens. What you can see is as important as what you can't see.
My perspective on life has changed, my priorities have as well.
Do I still have mental breakdowns? Yes.
Do I still have questions? Absolutely. 
Do they all get answered? No.
But when you are stuck in the waves with someone you trust, it doesn’t matter if there’s an answer at that point. Who will you be stuck with at your worst moment?
I have a new perspective.
I have His perspective

“Don’t be conformed to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind ...” Romans 12:2esv

I was lost, now I'm found
I haven’t had many problems in life. I’d say mine are pretty boring and minimal compared to others out there. But I can say that when I was lost and had questions no one really told me much. I kept searching and my brother was that bridge to say “hey there’s this church…” 
Church is not necessarily a building. It's where 2 or 3 people are gathered in the name of Jesus. It’s not a religion, it's a relationship. You won’t understand until you want to understand it. And I'm still learning. 

Although I may not have all of the answers I'm constantly looking for. My one question: WHY? has been answered and that answer is JESUS.

I know I have purpose, He has a plan for me and I thank God everyday for His persistence in planting those seeds, for the opportunities He puts in front of me and although I might not think I’m ready, He has proven to me time and time again that as long as He’s with me it doesn’t matter because He’s got me. 

Inspired by: Mark 4:1-20, New Wine by Hillsong, My small group that wanted me to write my testimony, Much thanks to God Himself who without the trials, questions and darkness I wouldn't have found such a profound Love, Trust, and Faith